I feel like I’m suffocating,
but I am remembering to breathe.
I know that I will not feel this way forever.
This too shall pass.
As I get on my plane today I will picture all of my anxiety, stress and resentments towards my family being left here on the ground. I am not taking any of that shit with me.
I did not sleep
because my mistakes
ran through my head
like scenes from a sad movie -
A movie that tells me:
I am not worth anything,
I will never amount,
I am not capable,
I am not enough.
“LIES! LIES! LIES!”
I scream at them,
but still they haunt me.
I’m trying my best to be honest with myself and with others about the past because I know that it’s the only way to be free from the effects of it, no matter how painful it is to talk about.
I am painfully letting go of someone who is choosing to drown in their own mess.
Recovery is a personal choice…
and if they refuse to make it,
I cannot save them. :(
Relevancy: at my women’s step study group tonight every single person had tears in their eyes when they were sharing their introduction stories. Why? Because we keep things inside of us for a reason; they hurt.
and that’s why I have to let it go.
I will be working a new 12 step study starting January 28th.
I am excited to start this journey but afraid of it at the same time.
Every storm runs out of rain.
Every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away.
Keep holding on.
This pain will end!
You will be set free.
Sometimes, life throws us curve balls that we for some reason are blinded to.
SMACK, right in the face.
Throws our will to live, and to love,
right into an empty bottomless pit.
But, at the top of that pit, there is someone waiting…
Waiting with a rope to pull you up,
and open arms for you to collapse into.
I love you. We love you.
YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS
Do not be defeated.
Submit yourself to the process.
You are growing.
You are changing.
You are doing LIFE.
I am not trying to make you feel better, I know I cant.
This damn well hurts, and there are no two ways around it.
I am trying to encourage you to not retreat.
I can’t remove the pain,
but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.
Continue to reach out. You need people right now.
You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine,
In ways that don’t depend on you,
In ways that don’t depend on your performance.
In ways that cannot be lost.
today is one of them, unfortunately.
Good prayers/vibes would be appreciated.